迪文小说

第1章 喜欢自己更多一点（第2页）

Iwasstunned。Myfriendisintelligent，charming，andcomassionate—yetshecouldntseeanyofthat。

Iknowshesnotalone。Lowself-esteemhasbecomethenumber-oneissuelaguingwomen。DesiteGodsassurancethathesabsolutelycrazyaboutus，mostofuscantbelievehemeansus。Itslikethecynicaleditorwhotellsthecubreorter，

"Ifyourmothersaysshelovesyou，checkitout。

"

Iwasareorterfor12years。OneofthefirstthingsIlearnedinresearchingastorywas

"garbagein，garbageout

"。Ifyourrawdataisflawed，youenduwithafaultyconclusion。Thesameistruewithhowweseeourselves。Ifwelackself-confidence，maybewereworkingwithflaweddata。

Therealityis，inhundredsofsubtleways，ourculture，family，friends—evenourthoughtlife—consiretoundermineourconfidence。Wegrowuinfamiliesvoidofaffirmation，encouragement，andresect—thebuildingblockstoself-confidence。ThenwefindourselvessmackdabinthemiddleofaworldthatlionizesSizeTwoHollywoodstarletsandBarbie-dollfigures。Ouraycheck，ourtitle，orsomeotherartificialyardstickgivesustemoraryentreeintotheworldofTheAcceted。Butinourhearts，weknowitisntreal。Howdowefindourwaytothetruth？

Imtechnohobia。Mybrothergotallthegenesrequiredtounderstandoeratingmanuals，toreairthings，ortomakesenseofcomuters。WhenIfirsthadtolearnhowtouseacomuterformyjob，IwasconvinceditwastheendoflifeasIknewit。

Irememberwithainfulclarityabeginnerscomuterclasswheretheinstructortoldusto

"ressanykey

"。Isearchedinvainforthe

"any

"key。Bytheendoftheclass，IwascertainIwasntsmartenoughtodrivemyselfhome，muchlessdressforworkthenextday。ThiswasdesitethefactthatImanagedahome，afamily，ajob，andarofessionalstaff。

Whywasitsohumiliating？BecauseIcomaredmyselftothe10-year-oldgirlnextdoorwhoeffortlesslysurfedtheNettoresearchhertermaerswhileIstruggledjusttologon。Insteadofsimlyconcludingthattechnicalrowessisnotoneofmystrengths，IconcludedImustbestuid。Itwasalie。

Peoleresectusasmuchasweresectourselves。Thatswhytheabsenceofself-confidencecantelegrahtoothersnottobelieveinus。

ForyearsIstruggledtoreceiveacomlimentgraciously。Ifsomeonecomlimentedmyhair，Iddiscountit。Idsaymyhairstylemademyfacelookfatorthatmyhairwasamousycolor。WhatIreallymeantwas，theremustbesomemistake。Imnotworthyourregard。Idontlikemyselfandcantreallybelieveyoudo，either。Thetroubleis，ifweersistinuttingourselvesdown，eventuallyeolestarttobelievewereright。

Sometimestheroblemisntfaultydata。Wehaveanaccurateictureofourselvesorasituation，butwecaitulatethefirsttimesomeonechallengesus。

Severalyearsago，Idiscoveredagrae-sizedlumonmyleftbreast。Mydoctorscheduledoutatientsurgeryrightaway。Amonthlater，whenIresumederiodicself-examination，Ifeltthesameluminthesamehard-to-reachlace。Iwascertainofit！WhenIcalledthedoctortosuggesthemighthavemissedtheluminquestion，heinsistedIwaswrong。Itcouldnotossiblybealum，hesaid，becausehehadremovedit。Afterall，hewasthedoctor。

Igotoffthehone，doubtingwhatIdfeltwithmyownhand。Butfearoflethalconsequencesgavemethecouragetoinsisthere-examineme，atwhichointhereluctantlyacknowledgedthat，yes，itdidseemtobetheoriginallum。Heremoveditinasecondsurgery。

Inmycase，IhadtoconfessthatIwasstuidbecauseIdidntunderstandtechnicalthings。Yet，evenafteracknowledgingthatImactuallyarettyintelligenterson，Istillhadtogrievethefactthatnoamountofclassesortrainingwouldevercomletelysolvemytechnicalinetitude！

AnotherlieIbelievedaboutmyselfwasthatIdbeenselfishforhavingonlyonechild。Thetruthis，Inearlydiedgivingbirthtomydaughter，andmyhusbanddidntwanttoadot。Still，Isentyearsfeelinglikeaninferiormother—likeIshouldhavetrustedGodtorotectmeinsubsequentchildbirth。

Inowbelievethat—inmycase—onechildwasGodswillforme。Iverejectedthecondemnation。Nevertheless，IhadtogrievethatIdneverhavethehousefulofchildrenIdalwayswanted。